The Trouble with Mizaru, Kikazaru and Iwazaru

My younger brother used to own a stuffed toy monkey. And I thought he has outgrown this penchant for monkeys. But then he started collecting the manga series with Lupin the III on it and I knew there are some things you can't outgrow.

With me, I look at monkeys in a different manner. Albeit cautiously, as if I am unsure what to make of them. The confusion stems partly from the gap between the portrayal of these creatures in pop culture media, the reality and the inconsistencies therein.

My first encounter with a monkey was through literature. The fable, Si Pagong at Si Matsing (The Turtle and the Monkey) seemed like a required reading assignment for preschool students back in my distant past. I'm pretty sure though that the fable I read back then was a much simpler version of the one shown in the blog linked above.

Be that so, it doesn't change the fact that the monkey was portrayed as a shrewd creature. It didn't help that the monkey in the fable became the unwitting antagonist. This set the tone for my dislike for monkeys. I felt an unrelenting disdain for the monkey who ate all the bananas which the turtle grew for himself. 

Apparently, I took the fable a little too seriously because I would always relate bullies who took advantage of other's weaknesses to the monkey in these fable. I took it upon myself to call all bullies as "bakulaw" (ape). I still have mental images of who among my elementary classmates are including in my list of bakulaws.

This image of monkeys that I hold would then be split into two persona when another encounter occurred. My second encounter would then involve a TV show made for kids, Batibot. I am quite sure that a lot of Filipino kids who grew up without a cable TV have seen this show at one point of their lives. To read more on the experience of kids who grew up watching Batibot, read this blog.

Here's where things get muddled up. The monkey in the Batibot is named Kiko Matsing. Here's his picture below. Admittedly, Kiko Matsing is all cute and cuddly. In the TV show, he was also portrayed as friendly and inquisitive. This image is far removed from my first encounter.

Kiko Matsing, together with the other muppets from Batibot like Pong Pagong, Ate Sienna, Manang Bola conveyed to me a very positive outlook on things. Their community of muppets embodied Filipino values that made them endearing and easy to relate to. 

Interestingly, I am not alone in my observation regarding the difference in these portrayals. A blog written by Alfie Vera Mella pointed this out as well.  To quote his work:

Kiko Matsing. This monkey muppet was one of the popular characters of Batibot. In some classic fables, the monkey was usually depicted as tricky, devious, and untrustworthy; Batibot’s Kiko Matsing, however, was made to portray positive traits like gregariousness and sociability, inquisitiveness or intellectual curiosity, and confidence and assertiveness. “Daig ng bibo ang mahiyain. Mas mabuting maging pala-tanong kaysa madalas walang kibo. Mas madaling makilala ang batang taas-noo kaysa batang palaging nakayuko.”

You can read more about his article by clicking here. Indeed, the sneaky image of the monkey is lost in the character of Kiko Matsing as the show in which the muppet was shown was meant to teach Filipino kids positive values. 

These split images of monkeys is exactly the trouble I am having whenever I encounter the three wise monkeys; Mizaru, Kikazaru and Iwazaru. Who doesn't know about the three wise monkeys? 

These three monkeys embodied the phrase "Hear no evil, speak no evil, see no evil." As such, any images or artwork depicting these monkeys are called pictorial maxims. While the monkeys are the subject of many modern artworks, its origin dates back to the 8th Century in China during the Nara period. History has it that Tendai-Buddhists brought these philosophy and the monkeys to Japan. Hidari Jingoro would then carve the monkeys on a wall over a door in the Tosho-gu Shrine in Nikko, Japan and the pictorial maxim would then inspire many artworks in the future.

The interpretation of this pictorial maxim is also a source of confusion on my part. While "see no evil, hear no evil and speak no evil" was considered the Golden Rule in Japan. Buddhists interpret it as a tenet which dissuades people from dwelling on evil thoughts. Good speech, mind and action are thought to be embodied in three monkeys. Supposedly, if you shut off your senses from sources of evil - that is if you didn't hear any evil nor see it and speak it - then you won't do no evil.

Dutch traders who traded with the Japanese were the firsts to carry this pictorial maxim with them. However, Western thoughts interpret this differently. This is where my dilemma arises. I struggle when confronted with another interpretation wherein "see no evil , hear no evil, speak no evil" meant turning a blind eye for impropriety. This, of course, is contentious specially for journalists and concerned citizens. If you were tasked to report the evils of the world to prompt action, how would you feign ignorance? Ignoring the evils of the world would be the last thing one would do if you were a journalist.

Sometimes, I continue to struggle with this pictorial maxim involving Mizaru, Kikazaru and Iwazaru. I certainly agree that it is prudent to avoid all sources of evil. But I always arrive at the thought that avoiding them will not make them cease to exist. Then I would ask, were the monkeys really wise for playing dumb? Or are they dumb because they pretend bad things don't happen when they actually do happen?

How do I relate all these to HIV? 

Sometimes HIV, being a sexually transmitted diseases, connotes with evil or negative things. Of course we now know that things are not simply black or white, evil or good, positive or negative. But the stigma attached to HIV remains. And often times, we refuse to see the problems associated with HIV that sometimes we fail to act on them. 

If you ignore the threats of HIV and continue practicing risky sexual behaviors, then you are turning to be a fool for "hearing no HIV, speaking no HIV and seeing no HIV". 

If you are a parent and you refuse to acknowledge the needs of your son or daughter who is HIV+, then what good is it that you were born with the faculties to reach out and act. If you don't want to listen to your son or daughter's struggles with HIV, or if don't want to see your son or daughter because you're too proud to be related to anyone with HIV, or if you don't want to speak comforting words to someone struggling with HIV...then all the goodness in the world is lost in all the kind words that were not spoken, bonds that were broken when you stopped listening and seeing the goodness of person with HIV.

When we fail to acknowledge the existence of HIV, then we fail to act on it. That's the message of Mizaru, Kikazaru and Iwazaru. 

Ultimately, it is your humanity that is lost and not just your hearing, seeing or speaking. 

References
Pinoy Teacher
Batibot Babies
Kiko Matsing
Three Wise Monkeys, Wikipedia
Tales of the Iron Goat.
Zentraveler

World AIDS Day.

Back then December 1 would pass by me like any other day. It was only MTV Philippines (yeah it was still broadcasting back then) who gave a damn about December 1 or World AIDS Day for that matter. 

Fast forward to today, now that I am HIV+...I gained an appreciation for this day that was allotted for the remembrance of the global struggle versus HIV/AIDS.

As a tribute, I would like to play a video clip from RENT the MOVIE. 

This is probably the most popular song from RENT the MUSICAL. This Tony Award-winning musical revolves around the story of a group of New Yorkers and how HIV has changed their lives forever. Even before I was diagnosed with HIV. I have come to love RENT the MUSICAL because of its hopeful message. I have since then watched it so many times that I have learned to sing some of their songs.

In that act where they sang La Vie Boheme, I particularly loved that part towards the end where they shouted in unison the phrases: "Actual reality! Act up! Fight AIDS!!!". 

I'll Cover You, sung in the end, during Angel's funeral was a very haunting song. The reprise of this song at the end reinforces all the message of the musical. This 2012 World AIDS Day, I take time to offer a tribute to all who have gone before us in this journey in life with HIV. This is also the time to be reminded to act up against HIV. =D

Death in Poetic Tradition

Indeed. People write death poems. 

I wrote two already.

Morbid? Hardly. 

It's more like staring at death in the face and still keeping your creativity working for you. =D

The Japanese have a standing tradition of writing death poems. They call these kind of poems as Jisei. Japanese Zen monks were the first to write these kind of poems. The idea is to put your thoughts on death while at the death bed. In that way, the written death poem becomes a meaningful declaration on death. 

I should buy myself a copy of this book. This gives us insights on death in the most poetic manner.

History archives have many of these death poems. Traditionally, these poems were written in such a way that it was devoid of emotions or if there were hints of emotions - they were typically minimized. The stories behind each death poem however were varied and colorful.

Sometimes, the poet describes his surroundings at the time of his death. Like:

What is more interesting about this poem was the story behind it. 

Asano Naganori happened to be a daimyo from the 16th century. Daimyos are Japanese feudal lords who owned large track of lands. They are ruled by a shogun. Back in his time, Asano Naganori was the daimyo of the Ako domain. History has it that he was not in good terms with Kira Yoshinaka, a high-ranking official of the Tokugawa Shogunate. Tensions increased between the two of them leading to the attempted slay of Kira by Asano. Shogun Tsunayoshi ordered Asano to commit seppuku (suicide) for this act. Before committing seppuku, Asano Naganori wrote this death poem. The 47 ronins ruled by Asano avenged their master's death by killing Kira. These part of history is immortalized not only in a death poem but also in many kabuki, which featured this event in the Japanese history.

Shinsui's death meanwhile gave birth to an important symbol used by Zen Buddhists. It was said that Shinsui, who died in 1769, was requested by his disciples to write his death poem. Shinsui grasped the paintbrush, drew a circle, cast the paintbrush aside and died.

Shinsui's death poem which is the circle drawn above became one of Zen Buddhism's important symbols. The circle depicts the void which followers of Zen Buddhism aim for. 

I found some interesting Jiseis here.

The Koreans and the Chinese also had a tradition of writing death poems. 

On the other hand, most of the death poems written by the Westerners were not really written on their death beds. Some of the now famous death poems were ordinary musings by poets on death.

Emily Dickinson, one of my favorite poets, wrote one such death poem.

Thanatopsis is another famous death poem. It was written by William Cullen Bryant. The title was derived from two Greek words: Thanatos which means Death and Opsis which means Sight. Together thanatopsis is often translated as Meditation Upon Death. Like Emily Dickinson's death poem, the tone of the poem was solemn. 

As time went by, some contemporary death poems were written in a funny manner. Geoff Page's poem Last Rite is one example.

A compilation of short poems which pokes fun at death can be found here.

Now if you ask me, would I have been able to write a good poem if it was me on that death bed? I wouldn't know and I do not want to know just yet or anytime in the near future. But you have to admire those who were able to write death poems at their death bed and those who can poke fun at death.

What lesson do we take from all of these?

Death does not require one common response from all of us. Mourning is not a requirement. In fact, we can be as creative as we want to in matters of death. And tradition may dictate upon us to treat death solemnly but we can also find comic relief from death. In the end, some people find satisfaction and peace from knowing that death can only take away their existence on earth but not their soul and certainly not their humor and creativity.

So how do you prefer to stare at death?

References:

Dharma Writing Workshop

Death Poems

Jisei, Wikipedia

Thanatopsis, Wikipedia

Short Poems About Death

What's in your Bucket?

Time for a light topic. Bucket list!!! =D

I think everybody has a bucket list. It's just a list of life goals for some. But for me I consider this list, a motivational force. 

Back then, I was just living my life passively. Sure I had future plans but I wasn't that aggressively doing anything about it. But since I learned that I have HIV, it made me look at the future differently. There's a sense of urgency to everything I do and you feel the pressure to make your every decision and action count. And when you learn you're HIV+, a bucket list suddenly becomes a must. So I am making one. Or rather I am revising my bucket list and am posting it for public consumption. 

1. Get my Ph.D.  

This has always been in my bucket list ever since I graduated in college. But back then the primary motivation for getting a Ph.D. was for career advancement. 

The first three months after I was diagnosed, I had my doubts whether I would achieve this. But when I started reading more about HIV and the medicine behind it, I found inspiration as to what degree to pursue.

This time around, I feel that it is really my calling to have a career in scientific and medical research. Who knows, I might discover the cure for HIV? Or cancer maybe? Although, I would rather have the cure for HIV discovered ASAP.

2. Travel around the world and immerse in different culture.

I know, there will be travel restrictions. But finding my way around the travel restrictions will make the travel more interesting. And yes...I have a separate list for my dream destinations. I'll post them here in my blog one time. =D 

I think fulfilling my travel goals is my way of reliving my childhood dreams. Back then I wanted to be a pilot. Every time I see an airplane in the air, it never fails to get my mind wandering. I would often make up stories about the people riding them. 

First childhood dream: to become a pilot. Then I changed my mind. I said, I'll be a doctor. Guess what my work is now?

And being a precocious child, I would ask my mom and dad about why people had to ride airplanes. This led to my first lessons on geography. Of course, it never occurred to my young mind back then that Philippines is just small dot in the map and that it is separated from the rest of the worlds by oceans and seas. Thus travelling out of the country meant riding a plane, I would then learn.

Also, I remember having this fascination with maps. Imagine, I drew my first map of the world when I was in Grade 1.  Which got me started to drawing my own maps. Yeah, I think my elementary notebooks were filled with these maps. I look forward to pinning my travel pictures onto these maps. But I might have to do it digitally now.

Unless we discover the secret to teleportation, we still have to deal with HIV travel restrictions. But it shouldn't stop us from travelling and learning from other cultures.

Although the ultimate rationale behind traveling is of course to further educate myself and to appreciate the beauty of this world. But I always associated travel with history. Remember when your history teacher recounts an event in the past and there would always be a historic place mentioned with it? That's how history got me interested into seeing the world. And I have always been a history buff. Modesty aside, my grades in history were excellent. When I get to visit the historic places, that will be the true test of my history proficiency.

3. Build my dream house.

Who doesn't dream of building his own house? 

Of course my dream house has been changing since I first tried to draw my dream house. I recall wanting to have tree house. But yeah, I have since shed off my childish notions of a dream house and have decided I am going for an environment-friendly and HIV+ friendly house. 

I will need an architect friend (yeah, I have alot of architect friends) to achieve this. In hindsight, I think I may have really planned to have many architect friends since I plan on exploiting their free services as much as possible. LOL.

The design will be a hybrid of minimalist and green architecture (which reminds me of Shamcey Supsup). 

It will have a pool, a garden, a bar, a grand kitchen. I don't mind a loft-style bedroom. 

Loft-style bedroom. Not exactly my dream loft-style bedroom but this is just to give you an idea what I want for my bedroom. =D

Well...if ever I get to meet Mr. Right...I am willing to have the house remodeled...so we could both have our own stamps on it. =D

4. Build my own business. 

I don't plan on working forever as an employee. Besides, building your own business gives you a different high. This one will probably be the most challenging for me to achieve. I know I have a lot to learn when it comes to doing business. But I already have good business ideas. 

The business will be a secret for now. But you will surely hear from me dear reader if ever I get to put this business up. It will probably revolve around health and fitness and food. So there. Though I am willing to try a lot of ventures.

Right now, I can only think of four. But I will definitely add more in this bucket list.

After reading back. I realized that it's so generic. So this is probably not my final bucket list. =D

Work and All That Jazz

Some things consume a big part of our life...work and sleep in particular consumes a big part of our lives. And that couldn't have been more true in my case the past two weeks.

I won't go into the details of what I've done at work. I'm sure it's as boring as your work (unless you're a pornstar or a Hollywood Star or both or somewhere in between). Suffice it to say, I had the most astonishingly loaded list of to-do-things at work the past two weeks. The energy at work was frenetic and the whole two weeks was tense. I even had to bring part of it home just to get them done. 

Pardon the gloating...although this is far from the normal gloating frenzy I would have done if this was my pre-HIV+ days. Back then, I would bitch like crazy about my boss who never failed to ruin my day at work.

But I have had time to reflect on my work and now it made sense why I work in that place. People who know me personally understands this perfectly. Working at my workplace gave me the chance to enjoy good healthcare benefits and it was at this hospital that I was diagnosed. So historically, my workplace isn't just a workplace. 

What I'm saying is, I still consider myself lucky. 

If it was some other company, I wouldn't know how they'd take my HIV status. But my boss handled it well. So did our HR and our company doctors and nurses. Together they have made it easier for me. In some cases, PLHIV had no way of knowing how their workmates would react. But at work, there was a quiet understanding. That nothing has changed really. I'm still as hardworking as ever...but more cautious maybe. 

Of course, this talk about work spawns a whole new list of questions for many of us PLHIVs.

On the top of the list of questions is: Should I stop work?

My answer is you should only stop working if your doctor advises you to stop. This means that your doctor deems that you're not fit enough to handle the stress at work and/or that you should stop working in order for you to recuperate from an illness. This could just be a temporary arrangement. But it is always wise to never abuse your body. Yes, you probably need to earn money but remember you won't profit from your work if all your hard-earned wages are spent to restore your health back.

I do  not recommend you stop working entirely. Sometimes unemployment breeds depression. With all the idle time one has when unemployed, it gives you the time to think and over-think things. Over-thinking is even more strenuous than doing actual work sometimes. Too much time spent thinking is not good for the health in general. Rest if you must. If you don't feel the need to work and you can live by with just the minimal employment at least do something worth your time...like participating in community activities.

How about disclosure? Is there a need one's HIV status at work? 

For Filipino PLHIVs you are not under any legal obligation to disclose your HIV status to your employer. Any discrimination arising from your HIV status at your workplace could be punishable by law. So if you experience any forms of discrimination at work, it best to consult your local HIV rights advocate or lawyer.

In my case, it was my own choice to disclose to a workmate. And the whole story about it will be revealed in due time. =D But do not disclose your HIV status if you are not comfortable talking about it. 

There are other issues that will arise in connection with your HIV status. Will medical insurance paid for by my employer cover my health expenses? Will my work put at a risk? Will my HIV status put any of my workmates or clients at risk? And as always, it is best to consult fellow PHLIVs before you do anything rush and cause irreversible changes.

Ultimately the choice to live a productive life is your own choice and not even your HIV status should prevent you from doing so. IMHO, I'd rather let my work consume my time than waste it dwelling on negativity.

In Defense of Bowling for Soup's 1985

Wooohooohooo!!! 

That's the opening lyrics to Bowling for Soup's song entitled 1985. 

And then the song goes on to describe the pathetic existence of Debbie. Debbie thinks 1985 is the year to be in and is too preoccupied with it. She reminisces about her dreams back then. How she planned to be an actress. Of course, she was young at that time and was enjoying everything...the rock scene...the golden era of MTV...the movies that defined the 80's which included Breakfast Club, Pretty in Pink and St. Elmo's Fire.

But things have changed and so did her life. All the fun things seemed to have disappeared and were considered classic, or even obsolete, by many people. The things that she love are now deemed uncool by her own kids. Her preoccupation with 1985 seemed like a pretty simple predicament to be in but she wanted to stop the time anyways and bring back 1985.

Now allow me to nitpick on both Debbie and the song itself before I defend Bowling for Soup and the song itself. I'll be talking about its remote connection to HIV which I allowed my mind to configure. I may not have been the first to have thought about this actually.

When I first heard 1985, I was caught off guard by how well-written the song is --- lyrics-wise and melody-wise. There are hints of that 80's rock vibe in this pop punk rock song. But the lyrics was what made it a stand-out. Its references to the mid-80's pop culture was sweetly written and punctuated with a rocked-out attitude. And of course, it was easy to identify with the frustration which the song portrayed. In 2004, the song reached no. 23 at US' Billboard Hot 100.

But that's as far as I'm going to praise the song...or Debbie.

So how does the song or Debbie connect with HIV anyways? They don't and that's the fault or  not really the fault of the song. I didn't really expect the songwriter to put in HIV in the song. But at about the same time in mid-80's, HIV has just been relatively newly discovered. 

In 1981, people were dying of PCP and Kaposi's Sarcoma and nobody knew what was causing this but they knew that gay men were mainly affected with it and that severe immune deficiency was common in all the afflicted patients. 

In 1982, CDC coined the term Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome (AIDS). Task forces, research groups and communities started to come together in order to do something about this health crisis.

In 1983, the virus that was causing AIDS was discovered by two research teams. Dr. Gallo from NIH named said it was the HTLV-III and Dr. Montagnier from Pasteur Institute said it was Lymphadenopathy Associated Virus (LAV). At about the same time, WHO started international surveillance.

In 1984, LAV and HTLV-III were confirmed to be the same virus that was causing AIDS. It was announced that a blood test can detect this virus and can be used as a diagnostic tool for doctors.

In 1985, actor Rock Hudson dies of AIDS-related illness and leaves a 250,000 USD donation to set-up the American Foundation for AIDS Research. Ryan White, then a teenager and a hemophiliac, was refused entry to middle school on the grounds of his HIV (+) status which he acquired from blood transfusion.

In 1986, it was finally agreed that the virus causing AIDS be named Human Immunodeficiency Virus as mandated by International Committee on the Taxonomy of Viruses. Cleve Jones creates the first panel of the AIDS Memorial Quilt. 

In 1987, Emmy-award winning pianist Liberace dies. In the same year, Federal judges force Florida to allow entry to school for three HIV (+) hemophiliac teenagers named Ricky, Robert and Randy Ray. Outraged, residents of their town in Florida pulled out their children out of the school. Several days later, someone set fire to the house of Rays.

In 1988, the AIDS Memorial Quilt would now grow into 8, 288 panels representing all those who have died as a result of AIDS-related illness. 

Now if you were HIV+ would you have chosen to stop the time and remain in the 80's? Probably not. You would've kicked Debbie for choosing to live in 1985 rather than today. Needless to say, the 80s was a tumultuous decade for PLHIVs.

Around this time, PLHIVs live in a far better condition than it was in 1980s. Anti-retrovirals are no available for treatment of HIV. Scientific research has achieved a lot to understanding the disease. A cure may be introduced publicly sooner than we know. Why would you want to be stuck in 1985 if you were HIV+?

I am not about to make a lengthy outline of HIV's history. People have lovingly created this timeline. If you want to learn more about it you'll have to a lot more time to know how far we've come from that desperate time for PLHIVs in the 80s.

Of course, this won't be an apologetics if I end without an excuse. So let me defend Bowling For Soup's seemingly ignorance of HIV in the 80s. First, it wasn't really Bowling for Soup who wrote the song. Hence, they're already absolved. The original lyrics was lifted from the song of SR-71. But there were few changes to the lyrics to make it current.

But the real excuse is that, during the 80's nobody really knew much about HIV. And about that time, the mere mention of HIV would cause such a ruckus that only the courageous activists talked about it and only the pioneering expert scientists and health practitioners dealt with it.

The year now is 2012. It's been a really long time since HIV was first identified. On December 1, we'll celebrate another WORLD AIDS DAY. If any, that day would be a perfect time to remember the 80s and celebrate the progress our predecessors have accomplished. Click on WORLD AIDS DAY to know more about the activities geared up for this year's celebration.

In the end, it is not really Bowling For Soup or any rock band who should be heralding the message about the fight to eradicate HIV. It should be us PLHIVs. Now who's up for a RETRO fix? Not the RETROVIRUS but the 80's lookback?

---

References:

The History of HIV by Mark Cichocki, RN for www.about.com.

A Timeline of AIDS from www.aids.gov

Music Review: Bowling for Soup, "1985" by Dusk411 for JoeUser.com

1985 (song), A wikipedia article.

The youtube video does not belong to me. It was only linked here for my readers to get an easy grasp of the song's lyrics.

Point Zero Pozitive

Of course you know your number line containing integers. This is the centerpiece of my apologetics today. 

Of course there's no Point Zero Positive. Zero is without a sign. But when you have learned to view your life as a number line that divides your timeline in this world into before you were diagnosed and after you were diagnosed, you would understand what this Point Zero Positive is. This is that exact time you were told that you are HIV positive.

For me, I was but 25 then. Very young, still learning my way around life but managing to be independent. I had a work in a good company and always tried my best to be the professional that was expected of me. I had my future plans which included studying abroad and probably working there for some time before settling down back in Philippines.

Rainy season has been the usual rainy season with the usual typhoons and floods around the metro. Dengue infections were rising that time. And it was an unfortunate time for a colleague of mine to get infected. Since my workmates platelet continued to drop, it was imperative that a blood be transfused into her body. It was at this point that I volunteered to donate blood, worried about my workmate's condition above anything else.

As blood was being drawn from my veins, we were even kidding at that time about STIs and they were teasing me about it. And I was just laughing it off, thinking I'm quite confident I didn't  harbor the HIV or any STIs. I had been having sex only with just my partner and some few encounters after our breakup. After donating blood, I went home feeling good about myself for helping out someone by donating blood. But the day after, my life changed forever.

I arrived late at work and the first thing that I saw on my table was a message to call the hospital. Immediately, I felt nervous about the whole thing. I had a feeling it was bad news. I didn't go right away. I had to steel my nerves first by shelving it off and working on some paper works on my table. After an hour, I couldn't ignore it any longer as my thoughts keep coming back to the question: What if I am HIV+?

Of course, the only way to end all the paranoia was to go to the hospital and check with the pathologist what the ruckus was all about. 

Point Zero Positive.

After being seated down, I was informed that my blood tested (+) withe ELISA for HIV. I had to give a new set of blood sample for the confirmatory test, the Western Immunoblot. At that time, my mind was reeling from shock. But I wasn't showing it. I was trying to remember who I had sex with and how I was to tell them they had to get themselves tested as well. I was also trying to tell myself everything's gonna be alright. But I know it will be difficult starting from hereon.

Just like that my life became a number line with a negative integer line and a positive integer line. I never thought one day, I'd be looking at number lines that way and realize that that is how my life is.

If you are wondering whether I cried, I didn't. And that was really something weird because I have known myself to be a crybaby. But then and again, maybe I have changed in that instant. I knew I had to be strong for myself foremost and for the people I love.

It would take another month before the confirmatory result arrived. I wasn't surprised that I was indeed HIV+. I know how laboratory tests work and this was no mystery. The mystery that was baffling me at that time was the future. It scared the wits out of me.

But here we are, four years after, I am still alive. Things are different, but I feel like the future's not for the virus to take hold of. It is for me to claim. That's why I have decided, I am going to do whatever it takes to keep the integer line going.

Identifying with Kerouac and Matisse

Admittedly, I have read some Kerouac's and learned about Matisse's in between reading books on science. Hence, I have learned to appreciate their work. Although admittedly, I haven't seen the complete works of Kerouac and Matisse; I will rely solely on what I know about their works to create apologetics on certain matters in this world --- my life in particular.

There is nothing much to explain really. Except I want to try anyways and see where it gets me. That is the reason for the apologetics. And my first apologetics concerns my identity ---tough existentialist shit for one who's lived a little over a quarter of a century.

I thought I'd paint my identity pretty much like how Matisse would --- drenched in Fauve colors. Natural colors definitely do not sit well with my identity. I could say I definitely don't have your run-of-the-mill persona. Maybe a little stereotypes go well with me but it is their juxtapositions with each other that makes me a little different. 

Let me talk a little more about Fauvism. This form of painting drew mixed feelings from the public when it was first shown. While it mainly drew derisive criticisms --- it actually paved something new and uniquely their own identity. Historically, this art movement met more than a little bump on the road before gaining its own following. The story of Fauvism tells of a struggle to breathe innovation into art. Fauvism challenges the artist's point of view. It seeks to destroy the normal perception of artists regarding a subject. It seeks to diffuse bias towards the natural rhythm of things. A human skin ---in Fauvism---is not exactly brown, or flesh in color. It is decidedly different. The perfect example is shown in a sample work of Matisse --- Woman With A Hat.

This out of the box thinking made public acceptance of their work a little more difficult. For some people, it was a waste of good oil paints on canvass. But the Fauves persevered to erect their visions in art forms. Their art movement was after all about individual artists' vision and how it does not necessarily sit well with people but has a right to existential fruition. People who identified with the need to separate themselves from the ordinary were the ones who appreciated Fauvism the most and became the patrons of these artworks.

Like I mentioned earlier, Fauvism appeals to me as it symbolizes my struggle to separate myself from the normal existence. Not that normal and ordinary things remain to be favored but because my soul yearns to be irreverent and unapologetic for its existence. At this point, attaching the name Matisse, one of the  leading Fauves, to my pseudonym seemed like a no-brainer (which is of course not really a no-brainer) choice of action.

Kerouac --- the first part of my pseudonym --- originates from Jack Kerouac. Jack Kerouac is one of the foremost literary icons who started working on what would be called as Beat poetry. And like the Fauves, these generation of writers --- Kerouac being one of them -- would shun traditional literature and social conformity. These two --- supposedly --- stifled higher consciousness.

Jack Kerouac typifies his work as spontaneous prose. His works, followed by many, were considered scandalous. However, that of course remains for readers to decide. Check the following typography of his words.

What really struck me about Jack Kerouac's work and convinced me that it is a voice I could adapt was its unconventional wisdom. While they consider themselves beat up --- hence the name Beat poetry --- they surely made a name for themselves. Of course, this greatly reflects my conviction that like Kerouac, my way of doing things favored higher consciousness even if it means feeling the isolation and detachment from popular opinion.

Jack Kerouac would brandish words laced with enormous force which causes your own thoughts to implode on themselves. He would put words in such a way that they antagonize you, confuse you or make you uncomfortable and in the end makes you think inwardly to re-examine your philosophy and in effect, form radical thoughts which lead to radical changes.
My identity hinges to Kerouac in that I favor difficult changes for the higher consciousness. It also hinges on how Kerouac made himself unforgettable despite being mocked by many. In many ways, his vindication lies in how many of his words affect people even of the new generations.

As expected ---or not really--- my profile picture reeks of Matisse's seemingly confused substitute colors in Jack Kerouac's portrait. It generally imbibes organized psychedelia - the hybrid of Kerouac and Matisse -- which I view the wellspring of radical thoughts and innovation.

Now that I have started writing a blog yet again, I positively identify with Kerouac and Matisse. And though their creative genius may not be necessarily reflected in my articles --- I am expected to see things differently and to write words that would provoke intellectual implosion that should reflect and explosion of radical actions.