Summer Only We Know

I don't know what to make of the things they talk about at work. Obviously, I'm not talking about business talk nor technical, professional talk. I'm talking about gossips.

My workmates found it amusing lately to pester me about my love life. Really? Have they run out of topics to talk about? I mean why would they talk about my love life? It's not even half as interesting as Piolo Pascual's love life (if he has someone significant right now...that is). 

So I asked one of my down lines is it obvious that I am seeing someone?

She said she has a strong hunch that I am dating someone. She's asking who's the lucky girl? 

That's when I started to deny everything. Girl? Excuse me? Girl? Who's dating a girl? Not me. I said I'm not dating anyone...just to really stop the rumor from getting out of hand. But it didn't stop them from ribbing me from time to time. 

I'm keeping mum though.

I'm actually at a point where I'm trying to validate the wisdom of talking openly about your relationships on social network...even blogs...or to people who don't know you personally. I came up with a good list of pros and cons.

GO, SHARE IF...

...your happy with something your partner did for you. That's something worth sharing online because it's a happy thought. It's a positive thing that has a ripple effect. If it made you happy...people close to you will feel it...and generally it creates a good effect all in all...but DON'T OVERDO IT!

...you need something to remember it by...good memories...need a good repository of memories...of course you can hold on to the memories for as long as you can...but having something to remember it by...makes it even romantic sometimes...take for example you we're walking by the beach and you took a good picture of the two of you together...happened to be your first pic together...that's something worth posting...and please DON'T PEPPER YOUR WALL with UNINTERESTING PICS. People normally pick up hints after seeing a two or three picture of what you both are doing...imagine if you have 200 pics of both of you doing the same activity...that would need another word other than UMAY to describe it.

...he/she has your permission. Sometimes in a race to post as many pics or statuses to keep our "FANS" online, we forget to take into consideration if our partners feel like putting themselves up for public consumption. Yes, it's your wall...but putting up yourself out there shouldn't mean your partner has to bear with all the intrusion into his/her privacy too. So ASK YOUR PARTNER FIRST, if he/she is comfortable with going public about your pics/whereabouts.

...it's harmless. Meaning, it wouldn't put your partner in trouble. Remember, some status will generate a lot of attention even if doesn't mean anything to you. Before you know it, people have shared your pic and by some sort of bad luck it reaches the wall of his mom/boss/dad/ and they're suddenly mad at your partner because...the pics made it appear he's spending way too much time with you...which is fine...but you wouldn't want to make them envious. Right?

DON'T DARE...

...argue with your partner online. At some point, you'll feel validated that you're right...but it will antagonize your partner...and does it fix your problem? Not really.

...post sex videos...too intimate videos of you together...I don't need to explain this...

...post confusing statements for your status. Save yourself the trouble of explaining by being clear about what you're talking about. You know how people just keep on sharing quotations without checking if it's really goes in line with their principle? That's how it makes things confusing. Sometimes, it also gets their partner confused. LOL.

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Going back to the rumor that surround my relationship with Erwan...I don't get the sudden interest of my workmates. Yes I've been talking about it online...dropping hints like I miss someone...but why would they care?

They've been asking me every now and then where I've been and what I've done. I've practically had my summer occupied with him on the list of agenda. I guess you could say we made a SUMMER ONLY WE KNOW. 

FOREVER, Re-defined.

Or maybe not...after you find him cheating on you!!! 

I have no idea if people have noticed my short banter with one of the guys I follow in my HIV+ Twitter account. We were talking about fidelity. He was on the defense and I was bashing him openly for entertaining thoughts on having sexual affairs on the side while keeping a relationship with someone. In the middle of all the exchange of thoughts, I twitted:

"And when your idea of fidelity is messed up...you just kinda give up on FOREVER."

Exactly the picture I had in mind when I tweeted.

So now, here I am trying to examine if I have given up on FOREVER. 

I am currently in a relationship. He's a really nice guy. He's someone I did not expect to partner with romantically but yeah it happened. I think I've already talked about him in a previous blog entry. If you want to read it, click here.

It's almost three months, since we admitted that we have mutual feelings for each other and we both feel a good future ahead as a couple. We've continuously dated...going out of town...indulging in photowalks (well not really a photowalk but I walk with him, he takes the pictures...I kinda give him some editorial perspective from time to time...that kind of thing)...we've seen movies...ate dinner together...talked about our future home...talked about having kids...decided to try surrogacy in the future so we could have kids...we've played sports together and we've shopped together...and it feels like this could be the FOREVER I was trying to look for.

This feels like home. This feels like FOREVER.

How could you not fawn over this picture of FOREVER?

And then here I am I was preaching about getting messed up and giving up on FOREVER...after getting cheated on...and it sure did sounded PREACHY. After all, what was I thinking saying that when I actually think I haven't given up on FOREVER after so many failed relationships where I was cheated on.

I admitted openly that being cheated by someone you truly love is the worst feeling ever. Especially, if you've started building a world around him...and you truly felt good about the relationship. Finding out your partner is cheating on you is not really the most painful part. It is undoing all the love that is the hard part. How could you do that easily when you've really loved that person? 

Then it hits me. It isn't really my idea of FOREVER. 

My idea of FOREVER is dead...it was buried so many times...resurrected and died again...until it could not just be resurrected anymore. I have forgotten all feelings attached to this kind of FOREVER.

FOREVER is not a one-sided undertaking. It's bringing together two pieces of a future in harmony. 

But there is a new FOREVER on the horizon. I am slowly building my way towards it...and so is my partner. I had some doubts...second thoughts on the relationship because I felt like when he talks of his past partners...he puts them in high regard. But he's been patient with my insecurities...we've been talking about it and he's right. It's a distant past...and we are past the time digging up our past and trying to resurrect it cause they've been buried dead.

He suggested we exchange ear studs instead of exchanging wedding/commitment rings...I concurred...and maybe we could have these kind of engraved in the ear studs. Just a thought...I'll have to ask him first. =D

There is new FOREVER. It's not my sole idea of FOREVER. It's something me and my partner are building. It's something we will have to define as we go through the days. It's something we will have to work hard for. It's something we will have to pin our hopes on. It's something that we will make us forget all the past hurts that we had.

I envision me and Erwan holding hands...and cuddling after I gave him a good back rub...yeah...that could be FOREVER.

It's too early to say really if this is FOREVER. But I'm glad I took time to see if I still believe in it...a true loving heart will love anyways...and even if I'm taking FOREVER with a grain of salt...I am happy I'm even taking it like I truly believe it.

Ohhhh here's a disclaimer: I do not claim ownership of any pictures, videos, or other materials on this site, unless stated otherwise. All copyrighted content remains the property of their respective owners, and data posted on this site can be taken down upon request.

Funeral Blues, Reds, Yellows and Other Hues

I have never been as involved in making funeral arrangements as before. I could only imagine how difficult it is to deal with death while keeping your mind work...ticking off items on a to-do-list while appearing calm. 

The two most recent funerals I have attended actually made me do this blog. One was my grandfather's funeral and one a cousin's funeral. Both really drained me emotionally and physically. 

Of course, I fully appreciate the efforts of my relatives who've done a superb job at arranging the funerals. I am not in the position to criticize the arrangements they've made really. I barely did anything to help in any way. Admittedly though, it was an average funeral. Nothing to fuss about it for the next 100 years.

Talking about funerals actually make me want to arrange mine in advance. And it begins now.

I'm gonna rattle aimlessly and see where this leads. Here goes...

I want superb coffee at my funeral. I'm not talking about 3-in-1 formulations of coffee or any variants thereof. I want good, brewed coffee. I don't mind paying a Starbucks to make coffee for my funeral...or maybe CBTL or maybe my own coffee shop if ever I get to build my own coffee shop someday.

Imagine a CBTL stand in my funeral...there'll be comfortable couches for people to sit on and gourmet coffee for everyone to sip on while they're gossiping over my dead body.

I don't mind Starbucks either. Besides they have good pastries there as well.

I want a glass casket. But if I die a horrible death and should I die with my face or my body mutilated in any way...I'd rather have the casket closed to public viewing. I will appreciate it greatly if I am placed in a glass casket though...and here's to wishing I would die with my body and face intact.

I am sorry...Snow White lang ang peg pag nasa glass casket na ako...

As for the flowers, I would prefer live flowers which will be planted on a garden where I plan my ashes to be buried in. I don't like any of those traditional funeral flowers. They make me cringe. I don't mind roses of various colors and dahlias and tulips too. Since gerberas and daisies are colorful, I don't mind having them on my funeral. I don't want dreary looking flowers on my funeral.

If you haven't seen daisies and gerberas...take a good look...you'll be bringing these to my funeral...live flowers OK? 

And I don't want to bore everyone on my funeral. Rest assured, entertainment will be provided.

So there'll be a viewing screen for a slideshow of my pictures and my videos. If my true friends decide to give parting messages to me and make their own video presentations they can be viewed in the same manner as well. 

I don't mind if videos from my favorite movies be screened as well. So I am listing them here now:

1. A Walk in the Clouds
2. A Very Long Engagement
3. The Exam
4. The Departed
5. Breakfast Club
6. The Incredibles (indeed...)
7. Braveheart
8. Burn After Reading
9. Inglorious Basterds
10. Juno

One of my fave scenes in A Walk in the Clouds...watch out for this scene while they're screening the movie in my funeral. At this point, my guests will remember how I've been a hopeless romantic all my life.

The movies will be subject to change as I might encounter more good movies in the future. But that's just a sample of what to expect for entertainment in my funeral.

I don't want any form of gambling in my funeral. But we can have raffle draws instead. I don't want to raffle any of my properties away but I am thinking scholarships for the underprivileged may be raffled and they can be funded continuously with a trust fund.

I do not know if it's too much to request...but I would prefer people to dress to the nines on the day of burial. 

You can follow after her lead...she's wearing the funeral clothes like high fash-shhhowwwnn!!

An orchestra will also be hired to perform a selection of songs...some religious...some not religious but inspirational. I have a list in mind...here goes:

1. Amazing Grace
2. We Shall All Be Changed
3. Mansion Over the Hilltop
4. Just As I Am
5. Bring Him Home
6. Somewhere Over The Rainbow
7. Seasons of Love
8. What A Wonderful World
9. You're Gonna Miss Me
10. Imagine

And they shall be there to make heavenly music. 

And maybe more...I'll come up with more songs maybe later...

Religious services can only be held by churches I have attended...I don't mind a tribal funeral rite either. But I don't want to be mummified. Please no...or I'll come back as the haunted 
mummy.

Maybe I should stop here...I don't want to have the perfect plan for a funeral JUST YET...I want to live a meaningful life so I would deserve such a wonderful funeral.

With that I leave the message lifted from this very cool artwork.: I believe that is meaningful because we make it so. Start making your life meaningful now! =D

I 

Le Carre Speaks To Me

The only reward for love is the experience of loving. --- John Le Carre, The Secret Pilgrim.

I had to remind this myself every time I struggle with the emotions I feel when I am in love.

Yes, I am in love.

It's been a while since I felt a strong emotional connection with someone I am dating. You see, I’ve known this guy for almost five months. I never expected to develop any feelings for him after the first time we met. I remember that day quite clearly though.

It was at the RITM ARG clinic. I was there for a consultation. He was also there for a consultation. It was past four already and we already had a long day waiting for out time to see the doctor. I credit boredom for making me walk in and out of the lounge where many of the patients were just as bored as me. The first time we crossed each other’s path we didn’t really give much each other any attention. It was just another patient walking into the lounge and I was just another guy walking out of the lounge. Then when I was about to walk back in and he was about to walk out, he smiled...and I smiled back...and we talked...and talked and talked until we decided to both go out of the clinic once we’re done with our respective consultations together...yeah together with another friend.

I was nowhere near to falling in love yet. I barely know him. But we exchanged numbers.

Then we started exchanging SMS...talking about our own selves and how we got the virus...our life experiences so far. We were getting to know each other slowly until it got to a point where I felt I want to see him again. So we went out for a dinner and a movie. It was an innocent friendly date for him but I already started feeling the attraction.

I was drawn to his smile. The way he talks endears me to him. When he talks, he stutters and smiles in between and apologizes for it. He’s quite simple. But I know he has the ambition which separates him from among his peers. And he’s as driven to realize this ambition as I am. And so I started falling in love. Denying it one minute then before I knew it, the affection I felt for him outgrew all the hesitations I had.

The tricky part though is whether he feels the same way. And this is the part where I had to remind myself of what John Le Carre wrote.

The only reward for love is the experience of loving.

Yearning to be loved back is part of the process but should it be part of the experience of loving. This brings us to the question. When we love, is there a part of us that expects to be loved back in return? Is there a part of us that hopes to be rewarded with the same attention that we shower on someone? Or perhaps, is there a part of us that selfishly wants a form of reciprocation?

Then we examine our philosophical view of love.

Love does not seek itself...Apostle Paul said so himself to the Corinthians as written in the Bible. It does not seek its own interest. Does it pay to believe in what Apostle Paul said?

Love is a battlefield...a Pat Benatar song goes. You fight for the chance to be with someone you love. You fight against all elements that would keep you away from the one you love. But where there is a battlefield, there will always be a victor and a vanquished.

Loving someone is investing feelings for someone. But then and again any investment could go either way...it could be a bad investment or a good investment. And the way to get to know whether an investment is good or bad is to go through the investment and see how it pays off.

And amidst all these musings, stands your heart. And more than the bruised ego, it is really that notion of going back to feeling lonely and sad that makes it tiresome to be heartbroken.

I don’t think I could count how many times my heart got broken...or maybe I could. But the point is, I’ve put out my heart there in the open...and as many have taken it, many have dropped it too. The wounds that it got in the process may have turned to scar and the scar becomes hidden with time but it stays there for a long time. Who would want to go through the whole process of falling in love and getting hurt and falling in love and getting hurt again and again and again?

A masochist perhaps you could say and it might as well that they take John Le Carre’s words for their motto. And if there truly was a club such as this, would I join their ranks? I might as well.

For surely as I love, I believe that love never fails. Love bears all and endures all things. Love works itself to find the way to where it rightly belongs. And the corny part is not believing in it wholeheartedly but the part where I act according to that belief. And so I decided to go through the motions of dating and steeling me for the worst part and ironically hoping to win his love too...which is not necessarily the end all and be all of the process...but is just the icing on a cake. It is to be determined where it will take me...but before I get ahead of things I just had to be reminded.

Of course the cake is the experience of loving itself. John Le Carre made sure to remind us. 

DISCLAIMER: I do not own the illustrations used here. They are just here to add color to an otherwise dreary blog. Credit for the illustrations goes to those who made them. You can click on the pictures and they are linked to where I lifted them. 

A Year of Realizing Potentials

Maybe I should start with some explanation as to why I haven't written for the past weeks. Some apologetics of some sort.

I promised I wouldn't slack off from writing as slacking off would really dull my writing skills. I've been through that phase before and I know how it can be demotivating when sometimes you can't finish a blog. But as it would happen, I got lost in all sorts of activities the past three or four weeks. I do not regret getting busy though.

Yes it took me away from writing in this blog but I got the chance to reconnect with friends. Of course the holiday break was just the perfect excuse to meet up with friends and revive a dying social life. 

So I practically blocked my calendar for all social activities I got invited too...which included Christmas and New Year celebs with my family...and a separate Christmas Party/Year-Ender Party with other PLHIVs. 

So there...it wasn't much of an apologetic but hey...everybody's gotta have some time off from blogging...right? Anyways, I am back and what do you know...it's already 2013. So this entry marks my first blog for the year.

What can I say about 2013?

Apparently, PURPLE is a lucky color for 2013...and sometimes I really don't believe in luck but hey...some people take this kind of stuff as security blankets...so what the hell...let them be. Besides, I like PURPLE obviously...so I don't mind. 

And GREEN too. I really don't know what made GREEN and PURPLE lucky...and so I scrambled for some explanation from who else...Mr. Google...and of course...Feng Shui has the answers. Apparently it's not as simple as choosing green and purple or blue over any other colors. The sector of luck (as determined by the Bagua) determines what the lucky color combinations are. It's kinda complicated and I don't even want to attempt to explain it...so better read the article for yourself.

Here are the articles:

Feng Shui Lucky Colors

Feng Shui Tips

Other than the predictions the Feng Shui experts and other geomancy experts have expressed...I think it pays to dwell over what your plans are for 2013. And I think it is not so much as luck that determines the outcome of events for 2013 but ultimately it is our decisions that make 2013 the 2013 that is.

So before 2013 gets past us, it is high time to rethink what you want to achieve in life. Some may have done this in advance...and are off to a good start. And some have just started. Some will plan as the year goes by. Some will just let things be. Which one are you?

For me, 2013 should be the year of realizing potentials. It's been quite some time that I have been trying to improve my skills on one thing. But applying them and getting good outcomes has been quite the challenging for me. Even for someone who thrives under pressure, I have been deemed an underachiever of lately.

This may have been borne out of the great expectations they had for me when I was growing up. Sometimes it's the promise of youth that gets their hopes high and then when it turned out I can't really deliver fast enough, disappointment wells up.

Speaking of expectations, this is the tricky part. When you set yourself to achieve big dreams, it is almost like setting yourself up for big disappointments. Unmet expectations can be your tumbling block or your springboard. Then and again, it is how you respond to this challenges that determines your success.

Of course, winners never quit. That I honestly believe. That's probably why I believe 2013 is the year for realizing the potentials I have. 

Here's a list I made which I've decided to achieve this year:

1. Finish my Master's degree.

2. Travel with friends to some places.

3. Live a healthy lifestyle to achieve a higher CD4+ count.

4. Have stress-free romantic relationship with someone I am seriously dating.

5. Increase my savings and save for business capital.

6. Learn a new language. Certification from a certifying body is a must. 

7. Take more pictures.

8. Renew family ties.

9. Learn at least a new skill per month.

10. Get my articles published in some serious publications.

Have you made your own list? It can be projects at work that can be improved. Travels plans. Items on bucket list you have been putting off but needs to be ticked off. Promotions that can be achieved. It's not really the list which starts it all. But it all starts with thinking that you have what it takes to realize them and that you have the determination to push through with things whether challenges set you back or not.

Ultimately, a plan is just a plan until actions take their place. Bear in mind that some adjustments can only be experimentally done so that sometimes trying things out is the key instead of getting inhibited by our fear of failure. So indeed action is still a key factor for 2013.

With that, we should take 2013 not just by planning right but acting right...and that is exactly how potentials are realized.