FOREVER, Re-defined.

Or maybe not...after you find him cheating on you!!! 

I have no idea if people have noticed my short banter with one of the guys I follow in my HIV+ Twitter account. We were talking about fidelity. He was on the defense and I was bashing him openly for entertaining thoughts on having sexual affairs on the side while keeping a relationship with someone. In the middle of all the exchange of thoughts, I twitted:

"And when your idea of fidelity is messed up...you just kinda give up on FOREVER."

Exactly the picture I had in mind when I tweeted.

So now, here I am trying to examine if I have given up on FOREVER. 

I am currently in a relationship. He's a really nice guy. He's someone I did not expect to partner with romantically but yeah it happened. I think I've already talked about him in a previous blog entry. If you want to read it, click here.

It's almost three months, since we admitted that we have mutual feelings for each other and we both feel a good future ahead as a couple. We've continuously dated...going out of town...indulging in photowalks (well not really a photowalk but I walk with him, he takes the pictures...I kinda give him some editorial perspective from time to time...that kind of thing)...we've seen movies...ate dinner together...talked about our future home...talked about having kids...decided to try surrogacy in the future so we could have kids...we've played sports together and we've shopped together...and it feels like this could be the FOREVER I was trying to look for.

This feels like home. This feels like FOREVER.

How could you not fawn over this picture of FOREVER?

And then here I am I was preaching about getting messed up and giving up on FOREVER...after getting cheated on...and it sure did sounded PREACHY. After all, what was I thinking saying that when I actually think I haven't given up on FOREVER after so many failed relationships where I was cheated on.

I admitted openly that being cheated by someone you truly love is the worst feeling ever. Especially, if you've started building a world around him...and you truly felt good about the relationship. Finding out your partner is cheating on you is not really the most painful part. It is undoing all the love that is the hard part. How could you do that easily when you've really loved that person? 

Then it hits me. It isn't really my idea of FOREVER. 

My idea of FOREVER is dead...it was buried so many times...resurrected and died again...until it could not just be resurrected anymore. I have forgotten all feelings attached to this kind of FOREVER.

FOREVER is not a one-sided undertaking. It's bringing together two pieces of a future in harmony. 

But there is a new FOREVER on the horizon. I am slowly building my way towards it...and so is my partner. I had some doubts...second thoughts on the relationship because I felt like when he talks of his past partners...he puts them in high regard. But he's been patient with my insecurities...we've been talking about it and he's right. It's a distant past...and we are past the time digging up our past and trying to resurrect it cause they've been buried dead.

He suggested we exchange ear studs instead of exchanging wedding/commitment rings...I concurred...and maybe we could have these kind of engraved in the ear studs. Just a thought...I'll have to ask him first. =D

There is new FOREVER. It's not my sole idea of FOREVER. It's something me and my partner are building. It's something we will have to define as we go through the days. It's something we will have to work hard for. It's something we will have to pin our hopes on. It's something that we will make us forget all the past hurts that we had.

I envision me and Erwan holding hands...and cuddling after I gave him a good back rub...yeah...that could be FOREVER.

It's too early to say really if this is FOREVER. But I'm glad I took time to see if I still believe in it...a true loving heart will love anyways...and even if I'm taking FOREVER with a grain of salt...I am happy I'm even taking it like I truly believe it.

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